holding hands

Waking up, i realised that i just dreamt about holding someone's hand.
I couldn't conjure in my mind to who it was, but it was probably someone special to me.

I couldn't shake off this feeling i had dwelling inside of me.
Closing my eyes, i envisioned that sensation again.

You know that feeling?
Where you pent up all that sadness, convincing yourself that it's okay. You put all that sorrow in a box and shove it in the back of your mind, unconsciously begging yourself to no longer be bothered with their existence. You then go back to your everyday life, having dinner with your family, laughing loudly with your friends, laying on your bed and fall asleep.

"It's alright, i've moved on. I'm happy." you tell yourself.

and then, a dream like this happens.
Upon touching his hand, having fingers intertwined, you then realised you've been lying to yourself all along.
Palm on palm, it's like a shot of dopamine has been released and is now coursing through your body, spreading that weird feeling, maybe giddiness.
You suddenly feel safe in his presence; no longer having to pretend.
Walls you've put around yourself crumble to the ground as you are overwhelmed with a great sense of relief.
All those times, trying to be strong without him beside you, it's no longer required.
I can just be happy for real now, he's here. He's back by my side.

Ofcourse, if only it would happen in real life.

i stood there

I stood there, on the edge of a small patch of field, green with grass. i don't know what i was looking at, i just stood there, still, looking at what's infront of me. i faced a white and somewhat abandoned looking building, a flat maybe? right above, dark clouds stirred, shrouding the day with darkness.

you drove by, and halted to a stop. i don't remember our small conversation, nor the car you were driving. red was it?

it seemed like you were driving away, hearing the wheels roll behind me, disinterest with whatever was to do with me and i didn't expect any less.

i continued to stand there, not feeling any urge to move, while the wind came to torment me, sending chills down the sides of my arms. i must've hugged myself when you reappeared. you motioned for me to walk alongside you. confounded, i let you lead the way.

"why are you alone? let's go have a seat." you said with a smile.

as much as your voice sounded like music to my ears, gentle to pluck on my heart's strings, it was your soft smile i paid attention to.

it signalled to me that it was okay between us. that we are friends again, no longer strangers.

we walked on the pebbled road, just a few steps from where we were. 

every step i took, i still held questions. "why were you doing this?" "why are you being so nice?" "why now?"

i didn't even planned to ask these questions, i was content.

i moved through everything as if it was a dream. it felt so vague, i was so lost, i didn't know how to think clearly.

but, it indeed, was a dream.

and so,

i woke up.

another goodbye

i looked him up, my good friend, Eu Gene. he's going off to New Zealand in 3 weeks and i want to ask him out for a last time. I asked if he was free on a Sunday or Saturday? Friday's fine too. He said he's busy but probably on a Sunday. He wasn't sure and proceeded to ask me to chill. For some reason, i took it offensively. i just thought that, "chill?? is he saying our outing isn't important? if i don't ask him out, will he? i don't want to NOT have a last outing with him before he leaves. God knows when i'll ever see him again."

In a mad state, i replied "ok. fine."obviously, he knew what's up. i was slightly mad, until he unexpectedly replied.. "i'll miss you ya noe."

tears instantly welled up in my eyes.
i quickly replied, telling him to not say such words, as if he's leaving already.
but he is! he said. in exactly 3 weeks.
i told him to keep it till the last day.

i just.. really hate goodbyes. how can anyone live with them?
being close to someone, then having to say goodbye one time or another. be it, migrating to another country, going off to college, graduating, or even death.
either way, it's never easy.

he's the third one i have to say goodbye to, due to distance in another country.
first one was my BFF, off to New York back in 2010.
the second was recent, aug 2012, him, on the subway train.
so the wound of a long (perhaps forever) goodbye was still fresh.

i had a random thought bout the last outing already. which is kinda silly.
i wanna spend it in the park, with a picnic. sandwiches and all.
then we'd play guitar, and along the way, i'm gonna make a video of it all.
it'll be a good memory <3 p="p">
-rant done-

memories.

thunder clashing afar, signalling the soon arrival of rain once again. the sky got darker and winds are just bustling through, sweeping fallen leaves from where they rest.

i'm sitting here comfortably, infront of my lappy, when a memory came by.

"i feel like holding you tight, bury my head into your chest and knowing that it's just us both right now. nothing else matters." i tweeted.

i almost brought myself to tears at that memory:

we were waiting for the N train, to get to Times Square, because both of us were reluctant to go home that day. It was past midnight, and he was leaving that very evening, while i already had plans to go to Six Flags.
To catch a train this late takes up a longer time than usual. we waited and waited, and probably 10 or 15 minutes passed by without the N train coming to our platform.

I glanced at him and said, "can i hug you? i feel like hugging you."
"aww, ofcourse you can." those words still clearly embedded in my mind.

I held him tight, body to body, head on his chest. damn, he felt so comfortable. that was either due to his body being quite built, or it was just the fatigue talking. i think both.
he gently rested his head on mine, and i closed my eyes. for that split second, it felt like nothing else mattered, it's just him and i now. the world was behind us.

then, loud clangs of railway tracks against metal echoed through the tunnel, accompanied by the rustling air as the train zoomed passed us, before coming to a halt. we entered.

here we go again

there he stood, just 3 feet away, a little to my right.
we exuded awkwardness. so much, that the cloud of tension between us seemed to engulf us, wrapping the two of us in it's mist.

i stole glimpses of him, careful not to let him catch me looking.
i just couldn't believe it. after so long, here he is. standing near me, and yet, i don't feel any closer.
we were well aware of each other's presence, but no one made a move to initiate a conversation.

so we left it as such.
till i opened my eyes, cursing under my breath, well aware i was almost late to class again.