another goodbye

i looked him up, my good friend, Eu Gene. he's going off to New Zealand in 3 weeks and i want to ask him out for a last time. I asked if he was free on a Sunday or Saturday? Friday's fine too. He said he's busy but probably on a Sunday. He wasn't sure and proceeded to ask me to chill. For some reason, i took it offensively. i just thought that, "chill?? is he saying our outing isn't important? if i don't ask him out, will he? i don't want to NOT have a last outing with him before he leaves. God knows when i'll ever see him again."

In a mad state, i replied "ok. fine."obviously, he knew what's up. i was slightly mad, until he unexpectedly replied.. "i'll miss you ya noe."

tears instantly welled up in my eyes.
i quickly replied, telling him to not say such words, as if he's leaving already.
but he is! he said. in exactly 3 weeks.
i told him to keep it till the last day.

i just.. really hate goodbyes. how can anyone live with them?
being close to someone, then having to say goodbye one time or another. be it, migrating to another country, going off to college, graduating, or even death.
either way, it's never easy.

he's the third one i have to say goodbye to, due to distance in another country.
first one was my BFF, off to New York back in 2010.
the second was recent, aug 2012, him, on the subway train.
so the wound of a long (perhaps forever) goodbye was still fresh.

i had a random thought bout the last outing already. which is kinda silly.
i wanna spend it in the park, with a picnic. sandwiches and all.
then we'd play guitar, and along the way, i'm gonna make a video of it all.
it'll be a good memory <3 p="p">
-rant done-

memories.

thunder clashing afar, signalling the soon arrival of rain once again. the sky got darker and winds are just bustling through, sweeping fallen leaves from where they rest.

i'm sitting here comfortably, infront of my lappy, when a memory came by.

"i feel like holding you tight, bury my head into your chest and knowing that it's just us both right now. nothing else matters." i tweeted.

i almost brought myself to tears at that memory:

we were waiting for the N train, to get to Times Square, because both of us were reluctant to go home that day. It was past midnight, and he was leaving that very evening, while i already had plans to go to Six Flags.
To catch a train this late takes up a longer time than usual. we waited and waited, and probably 10 or 15 minutes passed by without the N train coming to our platform.

I glanced at him and said, "can i hug you? i feel like hugging you."
"aww, ofcourse you can." those words still clearly embedded in my mind.

I held him tight, body to body, head on his chest. damn, he felt so comfortable. that was either due to his body being quite built, or it was just the fatigue talking. i think both.
he gently rested his head on mine, and i closed my eyes. for that split second, it felt like nothing else mattered, it's just him and i now. the world was behind us.

then, loud clangs of railway tracks against metal echoed through the tunnel, accompanied by the rustling air as the train zoomed passed us, before coming to a halt. we entered.

here we go again

there he stood, just 3 feet away, a little to my right.
we exuded awkwardness. so much, that the cloud of tension between us seemed to engulf us, wrapping the two of us in it's mist.

i stole glimpses of him, careful not to let him catch me looking.
i just couldn't believe it. after so long, here he is. standing near me, and yet, i don't feel any closer.
we were well aware of each other's presence, but no one made a move to initiate a conversation.

so we left it as such.
till i opened my eyes, cursing under my breath, well aware i was almost late to class again.

binge eating

frustrated. i pull myself into composure, trying to comfort myself that it's okay to eat even when i swore not to. i felt so helpless. knowing i was already full, i still continued to stuff food in my mouth.

this is getting out of hand i told myself. actually, i told myself that long ago, and yet it's the same thing. it's very very very hard to take control. that frustration that comes along when you're stuck in that dilemma everytime there is food, "to eat or not to eat?" and then succumbing to the first idea and followed by guilt. that guilty pleasure i hate so much.

so let's start again,
controlled dieting and exercise.

you do wanna look better don't you?

and so... the first snow...

"and so... the first snow.... " that's what he said. through facebook message ofcourse.

he left me this message because we did talk about winter together in Umea, Sweden before. I've never seen nor touch snow in my 20 year old life, and i just thought it'd definitely be memorable if my first would be there.

he showed me pictures of his homeland to me a few days ago, and it was beautiful. a river ran alongside the city, separating it into two, with a couple bridges, linking both lands.
"is the river really that blue?? it's gorgeous!" i commented.
"yes. you should come over then ;)" he replied.

that just made me wonder if our offer to visit each other still stands. i do secretly hope it does, no matter how painful it'd be. because right now, it hurts just as much not being able to see him again.

sometimes i catch myself drifting into daydreams, thinking how and what'd we do when he comes over to Malaysia. then i'd quickly shut it out, telling myself "don't be stupid Michelle, i don't think he's coming over anymore. save yourself the disappointment."

because.
"the higher you go, the harder you fall."