memories.

thunder clashing afar, signalling the soon arrival of rain once again. the sky got darker and winds are just bustling through, sweeping fallen leaves from where they rest.

i'm sitting here comfortably, infront of my lappy, when a memory came by.

"i feel like holding you tight, bury my head into your chest and knowing that it's just us both right now. nothing else matters." i tweeted.

i almost brought myself to tears at that memory:

we were waiting for the N train, to get to Times Square, because both of us were reluctant to go home that day. It was past midnight, and he was leaving that very evening, while i already had plans to go to Six Flags.
To catch a train this late takes up a longer time than usual. we waited and waited, and probably 10 or 15 minutes passed by without the N train coming to our platform.

I glanced at him and said, "can i hug you? i feel like hugging you."
"aww, ofcourse you can." those words still clearly embedded in my mind.

I held him tight, body to body, head on his chest. damn, he felt so comfortable. that was either due to his body being quite built, or it was just the fatigue talking. i think both.
he gently rested his head on mine, and i closed my eyes. for that split second, it felt like nothing else mattered, it's just him and i now. the world was behind us.

then, loud clangs of railway tracks against metal echoed through the tunnel, accompanied by the rustling air as the train zoomed passed us, before coming to a halt. we entered.

here we go again

there he stood, just 3 feet away, a little to my right.
we exuded awkwardness. so much, that the cloud of tension between us seemed to engulf us, wrapping the two of us in it's mist.

i stole glimpses of him, careful not to let him catch me looking.
i just couldn't believe it. after so long, here he is. standing near me, and yet, i don't feel any closer.
we were well aware of each other's presence, but no one made a move to initiate a conversation.

so we left it as such.
till i opened my eyes, cursing under my breath, well aware i was almost late to class again.

binge eating

frustrated. i pull myself into composure, trying to comfort myself that it's okay to eat even when i swore not to. i felt so helpless. knowing i was already full, i still continued to stuff food in my mouth.

this is getting out of hand i told myself. actually, i told myself that long ago, and yet it's the same thing. it's very very very hard to take control. that frustration that comes along when you're stuck in that dilemma everytime there is food, "to eat or not to eat?" and then succumbing to the first idea and followed by guilt. that guilty pleasure i hate so much.

so let's start again,
controlled dieting and exercise.

you do wanna look better don't you?

and so... the first snow...

"and so... the first snow.... " that's what he said. through facebook message ofcourse.

he left me this message because we did talk about winter together in Umea, Sweden before. I've never seen nor touch snow in my 20 year old life, and i just thought it'd definitely be memorable if my first would be there.

he showed me pictures of his homeland to me a few days ago, and it was beautiful. a river ran alongside the city, separating it into two, with a couple bridges, linking both lands.
"is the river really that blue?? it's gorgeous!" i commented.
"yes. you should come over then ;)" he replied.

that just made me wonder if our offer to visit each other still stands. i do secretly hope it does, no matter how painful it'd be. because right now, it hurts just as much not being able to see him again.

sometimes i catch myself drifting into daydreams, thinking how and what'd we do when he comes over to Malaysia. then i'd quickly shut it out, telling myself "don't be stupid Michelle, i don't think he's coming over anymore. save yourself the disappointment."

because.
"the higher you go, the harder you fall."

unsaid things.

as i said my goodnight to him, tears started cascading down my cheeks.
"where is this coming from?" i asked myself.
memories flashed in my head; words he had said, smiles he had made.
maybe, indeed, i miss him. and it hurts that we aren't like how we used to.

you know that feeling?
so many words running through your mind, eager to burst out, and yet you don't think it's a good idea to express them anyway. so you just lock them in a box, and try to shove that box deep inside a corner of your mind.

i just want to say,
"i wish i can tell you everything on my mind right now. how i wished it was a different ending to our story. how i understand why we can't be together, but i hoped that you held on anyway. that i keep telling myself i don't think about you anymore, that i'm over you, and i actually believed that! and yet, here i am now, missing you so much. i just, really miss you, ya know?"

i remembered you telling me that you missed me, and yet apologised that you didn't think we'd be together. i didn't know how i kept that composure. shrugging those words away, not even keeping them in mind. unfortunately, it's my turn to feel that way.
maybe, it's just the late night talking. the lack of sleep is getting to my head and i'm feeling overly emotional.

so, it's time for bed, and i shall wake up feeling okay in the morning.
i'm going to smile at how stupid i had been to tear up for him today and resume to have a good day.

nights. xoxo.

idek

i'm tired, and yet i'm not going to bed yet. soon, i keep telling myself, soon.

i looked him up for a chat, hoping that we can just keep in touch.
he told me he went out with a girl because it was her birthday.
i don't know if it bothers me much, since i didn't feel hurt.
but i don't wanna find out either. i'm not prying deeper. i just don't want to think about it.

however, it did occur to me if he purposely told me what he did, in an attempt to make me move on, because he has. either way, i know what i'm doing. it's not that i've not moved on, it's just that i'm not looking for someone new yet.
relationships. why would i want em?
they screw you up anyway.

a friend once told me, "you're only saying that now, cause you don't have someone you like."
perhaps so.

Sorrow.

As i sit here, typing out words that just fill my head instantly; words that pour out, overflowing with desperation, eager to be expressed.

Hi, i'm Michelle and like most people, i'm sad. He told me it was too hard to continue. That distance and being in different timezones is an obstacle too hard to overcome.

Emotion vs. Practicality
Which would you choose? Knowing that it would never work out and yet you do not wish to let go. How can you even make a decision?
Yes, i cried, yelled into my pillow, and felt better. I tell myself it's time to move on because i know, that it is no use being upset for a long time over something like this.

Life moves on without you.
So choose; be stuck in the past, or move forward with life.