unsaid things.

as i said my goodnight to him, tears started cascading down my cheeks.
"where is this coming from?" i asked myself.
memories flashed in my head; words he had said, smiles he had made.
maybe, indeed, i miss him. and it hurts that we aren't like how we used to.

you know that feeling?
so many words running through your mind, eager to burst out, and yet you don't think it's a good idea to express them anyway. so you just lock them in a box, and try to shove that box deep inside a corner of your mind.

i just want to say,
"i wish i can tell you everything on my mind right now. how i wished it was a different ending to our story. how i understand why we can't be together, but i hoped that you held on anyway. that i keep telling myself i don't think about you anymore, that i'm over you, and i actually believed that! and yet, here i am now, missing you so much. i just, really miss you, ya know?"

i remembered you telling me that you missed me, and yet apologised that you didn't think we'd be together. i didn't know how i kept that composure. shrugging those words away, not even keeping them in mind. unfortunately, it's my turn to feel that way.
maybe, it's just the late night talking. the lack of sleep is getting to my head and i'm feeling overly emotional.

so, it's time for bed, and i shall wake up feeling okay in the morning.
i'm going to smile at how stupid i had been to tear up for him today and resume to have a good day.

nights. xoxo.

idek

i'm tired, and yet i'm not going to bed yet. soon, i keep telling myself, soon.

i looked him up for a chat, hoping that we can just keep in touch.
he told me he went out with a girl because it was her birthday.
i don't know if it bothers me much, since i didn't feel hurt.
but i don't wanna find out either. i'm not prying deeper. i just don't want to think about it.

however, it did occur to me if he purposely told me what he did, in an attempt to make me move on, because he has. either way, i know what i'm doing. it's not that i've not moved on, it's just that i'm not looking for someone new yet.
relationships. why would i want em?
they screw you up anyway.

a friend once told me, "you're only saying that now, cause you don't have someone you like."
perhaps so.

Sorrow.

As i sit here, typing out words that just fill my head instantly; words that pour out, overflowing with desperation, eager to be expressed.

Hi, i'm Michelle and like most people, i'm sad. He told me it was too hard to continue. That distance and being in different timezones is an obstacle too hard to overcome.

Emotion vs. Practicality
Which would you choose? Knowing that it would never work out and yet you do not wish to let go. How can you even make a decision?
Yes, i cried, yelled into my pillow, and felt better. I tell myself it's time to move on because i know, that it is no use being upset for a long time over something like this.

Life moves on without you.
So choose; be stuck in the past, or move forward with life.

Now I'll Never Know

The car came to a halt just outside my house. I couldn't stop thanking him as his left hand moved swiftly to shift the gear into 'park'. I knew; the only reason i did so was to stall time. I wanted to be with him just a little longer, even if it were only seconds. It was dark out, the streets empty with nothing to light it but the moon's pale shine. This was it, time to make my exit. I lingered a little longer, not wanting to leave just yet. Taking note of my body language, he told me i didn't have to. He wanted to grab something from my side of the car first. I turned to face him, and he shot me a look, eyes full of expression, of hidden sorrow. Gazing into his deep eyes, i knew he wanted to tell me something. Before he could even speak, or me asking what it was, i was sucked back into reality, eyes opening to a sun lit room.

LDRs

It's been a very long time since my last post, and reading it, i still remembered how devastated i was. How i'd cry for him every night. Ofcourse, it's been awhile now, and while i was missing, i've been looking for that happiness every step of the way. Almost two and a half years, here i am now. Finally over him, i think. 2.40am on a Wednesday, i sit here, patiently waiting for someone to come online so we could chat. That patience is wearing thin i must admit. Only because i feel stupid for waiting up. Anyone believes in LDRs? cause i never did before. Neither did i think an LDR would ever happen to me, but boom, here i am, liking this guy i only met for one day. He's 6 hours behind and it's almost impossible to find an appropriate time to converse. If anybody, just anybody, out there have an LDR, tell me bout it (: I guess, i'm done for now.