i stood there

I stood there, on the edge of a small patch of field, green with grass. i don't know what i was looking at, i just stood there, still, looking at what's infront of me. i faced a white and somewhat abandoned looking building, a flat maybe? right above, dark clouds stirred, shrouding the day with darkness.

you drove by, and halted to a stop. i don't remember our small conversation, nor the car you were driving. red was it?

it seemed like you were driving away, hearing the wheels roll behind me, disinterest with whatever was to do with me and i didn't expect any less.

i continued to stand there, not feeling any urge to move, while the wind came to torment me, sending chills down the sides of my arms. i must've hugged myself when you reappeared. you motioned for me to walk alongside you. confounded, i let you lead the way.

"why are you alone? let's go have a seat." you said with a smile.

as much as your voice sounded like music to my ears, gentle to pluck on my heart's strings, it was your soft smile i paid attention to.

it signalled to me that it was okay between us. that we are friends again, no longer strangers.

we walked on the pebbled road, just a few steps from where we were. 

every step i took, i still held questions. "why were you doing this?" "why are you being so nice?" "why now?"

i didn't even planned to ask these questions, i was content.

i moved through everything as if it was a dream. it felt so vague, i was so lost, i didn't know how to think clearly.

but, it indeed, was a dream.

and so,

i woke up.

another goodbye

i looked him up, my good friend, Eu Gene. he's going off to New Zealand in 3 weeks and i want to ask him out for a last time. I asked if he was free on a Sunday or Saturday? Friday's fine too. He said he's busy but probably on a Sunday. He wasn't sure and proceeded to ask me to chill. For some reason, i took it offensively. i just thought that, "chill?? is he saying our outing isn't important? if i don't ask him out, will he? i don't want to NOT have a last outing with him before he leaves. God knows when i'll ever see him again."

In a mad state, i replied "ok. fine."obviously, he knew what's up. i was slightly mad, until he unexpectedly replied.. "i'll miss you ya noe."

tears instantly welled up in my eyes.
i quickly replied, telling him to not say such words, as if he's leaving already.
but he is! he said. in exactly 3 weeks.
i told him to keep it till the last day.

i just.. really hate goodbyes. how can anyone live with them?
being close to someone, then having to say goodbye one time or another. be it, migrating to another country, going off to college, graduating, or even death.
either way, it's never easy.

he's the third one i have to say goodbye to, due to distance in another country.
first one was my BFF, off to New York back in 2010.
the second was recent, aug 2012, him, on the subway train.
so the wound of a long (perhaps forever) goodbye was still fresh.

i had a random thought bout the last outing already. which is kinda silly.
i wanna spend it in the park, with a picnic. sandwiches and all.
then we'd play guitar, and along the way, i'm gonna make a video of it all.
it'll be a good memory <3 p="p">
-rant done-

memories.

thunder clashing afar, signalling the soon arrival of rain once again. the sky got darker and winds are just bustling through, sweeping fallen leaves from where they rest.

i'm sitting here comfortably, infront of my lappy, when a memory came by.

"i feel like holding you tight, bury my head into your chest and knowing that it's just us both right now. nothing else matters." i tweeted.

i almost brought myself to tears at that memory:

we were waiting for the N train, to get to Times Square, because both of us were reluctant to go home that day. It was past midnight, and he was leaving that very evening, while i already had plans to go to Six Flags.
To catch a train this late takes up a longer time than usual. we waited and waited, and probably 10 or 15 minutes passed by without the N train coming to our platform.

I glanced at him and said, "can i hug you? i feel like hugging you."
"aww, ofcourse you can." those words still clearly embedded in my mind.

I held him tight, body to body, head on his chest. damn, he felt so comfortable. that was either due to his body being quite built, or it was just the fatigue talking. i think both.
he gently rested his head on mine, and i closed my eyes. for that split second, it felt like nothing else mattered, it's just him and i now. the world was behind us.

then, loud clangs of railway tracks against metal echoed through the tunnel, accompanied by the rustling air as the train zoomed passed us, before coming to a halt. we entered.

here we go again

there he stood, just 3 feet away, a little to my right.
we exuded awkwardness. so much, that the cloud of tension between us seemed to engulf us, wrapping the two of us in it's mist.

i stole glimpses of him, careful not to let him catch me looking.
i just couldn't believe it. after so long, here he is. standing near me, and yet, i don't feel any closer.
we were well aware of each other's presence, but no one made a move to initiate a conversation.

so we left it as such.
till i opened my eyes, cursing under my breath, well aware i was almost late to class again.

binge eating

frustrated. i pull myself into composure, trying to comfort myself that it's okay to eat even when i swore not to. i felt so helpless. knowing i was already full, i still continued to stuff food in my mouth.

this is getting out of hand i told myself. actually, i told myself that long ago, and yet it's the same thing. it's very very very hard to take control. that frustration that comes along when you're stuck in that dilemma everytime there is food, "to eat or not to eat?" and then succumbing to the first idea and followed by guilt. that guilty pleasure i hate so much.

so let's start again,
controlled dieting and exercise.

you do wanna look better don't you?

and so... the first snow...

"and so... the first snow.... " that's what he said. through facebook message ofcourse.

he left me this message because we did talk about winter together in Umea, Sweden before. I've never seen nor touch snow in my 20 year old life, and i just thought it'd definitely be memorable if my first would be there.

he showed me pictures of his homeland to me a few days ago, and it was beautiful. a river ran alongside the city, separating it into two, with a couple bridges, linking both lands.
"is the river really that blue?? it's gorgeous!" i commented.
"yes. you should come over then ;)" he replied.

that just made me wonder if our offer to visit each other still stands. i do secretly hope it does, no matter how painful it'd be. because right now, it hurts just as much not being able to see him again.

sometimes i catch myself drifting into daydreams, thinking how and what'd we do when he comes over to Malaysia. then i'd quickly shut it out, telling myself "don't be stupid Michelle, i don't think he's coming over anymore. save yourself the disappointment."

because.
"the higher you go, the harder you fall."

unsaid things.

as i said my goodnight to him, tears started cascading down my cheeks.
"where is this coming from?" i asked myself.
memories flashed in my head; words he had said, smiles he had made.
maybe, indeed, i miss him. and it hurts that we aren't like how we used to.

you know that feeling?
so many words running through your mind, eager to burst out, and yet you don't think it's a good idea to express them anyway. so you just lock them in a box, and try to shove that box deep inside a corner of your mind.

i just want to say,
"i wish i can tell you everything on my mind right now. how i wished it was a different ending to our story. how i understand why we can't be together, but i hoped that you held on anyway. that i keep telling myself i don't think about you anymore, that i'm over you, and i actually believed that! and yet, here i am now, missing you so much. i just, really miss you, ya know?"

i remembered you telling me that you missed me, and yet apologised that you didn't think we'd be together. i didn't know how i kept that composure. shrugging those words away, not even keeping them in mind. unfortunately, it's my turn to feel that way.
maybe, it's just the late night talking. the lack of sleep is getting to my head and i'm feeling overly emotional.

so, it's time for bed, and i shall wake up feeling okay in the morning.
i'm going to smile at how stupid i had been to tear up for him today and resume to have a good day.

nights. xoxo.

idek

i'm tired, and yet i'm not going to bed yet. soon, i keep telling myself, soon.

i looked him up for a chat, hoping that we can just keep in touch.
he told me he went out with a girl because it was her birthday.
i don't know if it bothers me much, since i didn't feel hurt.
but i don't wanna find out either. i'm not prying deeper. i just don't want to think about it.

however, it did occur to me if he purposely told me what he did, in an attempt to make me move on, because he has. either way, i know what i'm doing. it's not that i've not moved on, it's just that i'm not looking for someone new yet.
relationships. why would i want em?
they screw you up anyway.

a friend once told me, "you're only saying that now, cause you don't have someone you like."
perhaps so.

Sorrow.

As i sit here, typing out words that just fill my head instantly; words that pour out, overflowing with desperation, eager to be expressed.

Hi, i'm Michelle and like most people, i'm sad. He told me it was too hard to continue. That distance and being in different timezones is an obstacle too hard to overcome.

Emotion vs. Practicality
Which would you choose? Knowing that it would never work out and yet you do not wish to let go. How can you even make a decision?
Yes, i cried, yelled into my pillow, and felt better. I tell myself it's time to move on because i know, that it is no use being upset for a long time over something like this.

Life moves on without you.
So choose; be stuck in the past, or move forward with life.

Now I'll Never Know

The car came to a halt just outside my house. I couldn't stop thanking him as his left hand moved swiftly to shift the gear into 'park'. I knew; the only reason i did so was to stall time. I wanted to be with him just a little longer, even if it were only seconds. It was dark out, the streets empty with nothing to light it but the moon's pale shine. This was it, time to make my exit. I lingered a little longer, not wanting to leave just yet. Taking note of my body language, he told me i didn't have to. He wanted to grab something from my side of the car first. I turned to face him, and he shot me a look, eyes full of expression, of hidden sorrow. Gazing into his deep eyes, i knew he wanted to tell me something. Before he could even speak, or me asking what it was, i was sucked back into reality, eyes opening to a sun lit room.

LDRs

It's been a very long time since my last post, and reading it, i still remembered how devastated i was. How i'd cry for him every night. Ofcourse, it's been awhile now, and while i was missing, i've been looking for that happiness every step of the way. Almost two and a half years, here i am now. Finally over him, i think. 2.40am on a Wednesday, i sit here, patiently waiting for someone to come online so we could chat. That patience is wearing thin i must admit. Only because i feel stupid for waiting up. Anyone believes in LDRs? cause i never did before. Neither did i think an LDR would ever happen to me, but boom, here i am, liking this guy i only met for one day. He's 6 hours behind and it's almost impossible to find an appropriate time to converse. If anybody, just anybody, out there have an LDR, tell me bout it (: I guess, i'm done for now.